Couch surfing

I never realized how often I sleep on the couch until my children pointed it out the other day and then the next question was why? So I stopped to think about it and realized I sleep on the couch for two reasons one is my hubby snores like crazy but secondly its because lately I don't want to be near him. He is so moody and nasty about everything these days.

I tell him last week how hard this last year has been on me and how I'm feeling and I get the cold shoulder all night from him. He finally sent me a beautiful e-mail to support me but as I often say actions speak louder then words and lately his actions say he would rather be anywhere then with me and the kids.

I know hes depressed that he doesn't have a steady income and we are struggling but news flash this effects all of us. I guess eventually this will pass and hopefully we will get back to the good we once had although it seems harder and harder to find our way back. I guess going forward is the right direction but I'm scared about what that is going to look like.

Life is a very twisty roller coaster

This weekend my husband lost his job again and then we found out he has problems with his hips so any future jobs can't include assembly work. This is a man that is very educated, very smart and very passionate about Social Work but can't find a job in his field so he was doing warehouse work which didn't work out for him.

We have spent all of our savings in the last year since he's been off work and I am not sure how we are going to pay bills and stay afloat without the extra income. I am thankful that my boys pay rent but it doesn't replace my husbands original income from a year ago.

I am not normally an emotional person but this last year is really starting to push me over the edge. I'm not sure how much more I have in me to fight to keep everything together. On top of eveything else this is my depressed time of the year since I miss my mom so much it hurts.

I am leaning on friends, family, church for love and support but I'm really scared of either loosing everything or just loosing my mind and not getting it back. This is a horrible feeling I know the lord has a plan for us but right now I just can't seem to grasp onto that bit of faith.

Been Gone Too Long

Well I have been gone for so long I feel like I have to find my groove again. With my last couple of posts the one thing that I haven't put on here or tried to not dwell on is the tragic accident that my cousin had this summer.

As she and her girls were coming home from a baby shower a guy in a pick up truck fell asleep at the wheel and smashed into their car. My cousins girls in the back seat just 10 and 11 never survived. The driver of the pick up truck died a few weeks later. My cousin and her 17 year old daughter survived but barely. We as a family have been changed permantley and grown stronger and closer. My cousins daughter is home and healing with crutches to get around. My cousin is still in the hospital but hoping to come home in the next two weeks. She is the most amazing women so strong and emotional at once. She knows how to balance the two in a way I couldn't even imagine.

The funeral was so hard. What words do you use to console a mother, father, sister that have lost two angels. My cousin was still on bed rest and in a stretcher for the funerals so she stayed outside on the sidewalk as the rest of us went inside the funeral home to say goodbye to Miki and Alex. Then we wen to the girls school for the funeral it was held in the gym and it was standing room only. I couldn't believe the outpouring of love and support. That love and support has not stopped in the months since. This past weekend there was a fundraiser for the family and again it was standing room only and my cousin was able to attend. It was such a wonderful feeling to see her healing and loving.

I have also had good news two weeks ago my grandson was born and has brought light back into our house. It is still sad and hard to go on but I love coming home on my bad days and holding him. I am very blessed to have such good friends and family.

In a funk

I have been crazy busy and that was a good reason for not blogging but I am now realizing its not that I'm too busy its that I'm in my fall funk but it has come early and snuck up on me.

I can understand why its here early I have so much on plate and so little time to process thoughts and emotions about these things. I am trying hard to kick my funk in the butt but it is not working so well.

I am going to go home today and put my house back in order which always helps me fight my funk but the biggest obstacle is the lack of energy that comes with this funk and the fact that the stuff on my main floor doesn't belong to me and yet I am the one that has to deal with the mess and figure out where to put everything.

I love my daughter in law and she has many great qualities but her organization and motivation are not part of that. So she needs to get her space in the basement organized for the baby that is due anytime now but instead she has moved herself to the main floor. I tried to be nice, be patient but now I'm done my house is crazy with all the people in it but everyone has a space and that is how it works.

I just feel like at times I have noone that truly helps or wants to help. I left my  husband in charge of our youngest two nights this week and he didn't bother studying his spelling words with him or cleaning up at all. I talked to him last night about this and I was told that he has his own stuff to deal with and that is just how it is. I don't feel that this is acceptable. I have crap on my plate too but yet I still manage to do the day  to day stuff and yes even study his words with him.

I am feeling like packing up my youngest and just leaving because then its just the two of us for me to worry about I know its not a solution but since nobody is listening to me right now it seems to be the easiest solution.

For the first time in a long time I have interests that I'm excited about and this is taking me away from the house and I would think with all the people in my house they would be able to keep on top of everything.

Thanks for letting me vent

Catch up time

I spent the summer off the computer relaxing with my family and trying to find a new routine and groove. See all my kids are in such different areas of their lives and of course they all have friends that come in and out of our lives.

So this blog is just a quick catch up of  my summer and to let you know that I am back not sure how often I will blog but I did miss it.

My cousin Natasha got married and it was the most gorgeous wedding I've been to in a long while. Very low key but so beautiful and at the end of the night her husband surprised her with Fireworks. This was also a well deserved break from the kids and time with my hubby.

Spent a lot of time at the beach this summer and time with my daughter in law getting to know her better. It was a wonderful experience.

Went to see Kenny Chesney with my bff and friend Katie. What a great concert and night out.

Took some of my kids to the Elmvale Zoo and it was so great to just sit back and relax while they wandered and visited with each other.

Did our annual trip to Wonderland this was not as good as I planned. Finally my youngest was tall enough to go on some of the big rides. To my amazement he totally melted down at the idea of going on the bigger rides. He seems to have grown a fear of fast rides or tall rides. Once I got over my disapointment we had a great day.

Added two new events that will become annual events. Santas Village with Aunt Sheila and the Folley Fair with my mother in law.

I also got to have my annual weekend away with my heart sister granted we brought the kids and hubbies but still it was a great time for all.

Dirty Dancing Memories

The prompt for today is a childhood memory but I'm going with a teenage girl memory.

Sitting in the theatre with my mom and her best friend watching the movie Dirty Dancing. Then my mom gets up and goes to the washroom and takes a very long time to come back and when she does she demands we leave since this movie is such filth. I didn't have the heart to tell her how many times I had already seen it. Every time I hear this song it brings back this memory.

Runing away from it all

As promised I pulled myself out of the pity pool and I'm back to play the game.

A song that makes me feel guity is the prompt for today this is one that is hard for me because I don't tend to feel guilty very often but I think this song is perfect and probably most mothers/wives can relate to wanting to run away every once in awhile.

I know my followers are not country fans but if you listen to the words I'm sure you'll understand why I picked this song.

Had it with the wife thing, living on a shoe string
What’s a poor girl got to do just to have some fun?
All these years without any help
Guess what, honey, clothes just don’t wash themselves!
Neither do dishes, neither does the bathroom floor

Roller coaster continues

Sorry that I have missed the last couple of days of the music challenge but my real life seems to have derailed my blogging life.

Tuesday I was out selling Epicure this is my new side business I love it but it takes a lot of time.

Last night I was all set to blog and play along but the reality of how tight money is and how bleak the future is finacially just came to a head and I'm letting myself have a swim in the pity pool. I promise to pull myself out and be back in the game by tomorrow.

I know I can't let my mood stay too long but on the other hand its not a bad thing for me to let these emotions have their turn. I know that this will work because the lord never gives us more than we can handle but right now I just want to be gloomy and sulky.

Watermelon Crawl

The title alone should tell you why I choose this song.

The lyrics are so funny I couldn't stop laughing and replaying this song when it first came out and then I saw the video and that was it I was head over heels in love with this song.

Worst cover song

The worst cover song I've heard has to be Walking in Memphis by Lonestar.

This by far is a song that no one should try to copy. The original version is a masterpiece and should not be touched.

Best Cover Song

Sorry that this is a day late but I got crazy busy yesterday visiting and enjoying my last day before my youngest comes home.

The best cover song I've heard was just this summer and I was amazed that it this version was so amazing.

The Devil Went Down To Georgia by Emerson Drive

Always puts a smile on my face

When I'm sad I put on this song and then before I know it I'm in a better place and I can function.

I do not function wel when I'm sad or my emotions are all crazy.

Chantilly Lace by the Big Bopper

Like It Love It

This song is my go to song when I'm in a good mood. It just brings back memories of fall fairs and young love. Yes I apparantley seem to be in a sappy place these days.

Bonus the video is all Tim which is never a bad thing.

Song when I'm angry

Today's prompt has really had me thinking. I don't get angry very often and when I do I try my best to shake it off fast so I don't have a go to song for this mood.

When I'm angry I select random on my favourites playlist on my ITouch and this normally helps shake off my mood.

The song I would pick if I had a go to song would be Hell and Highwater.

Hakuna Matata

This song brings back wonderful memories of all my children dancing around the house singing this song. We all love Lion King and this song just seemed to stick with us.

I loved it when my youngest was able to watch Lion King and sing this song with his older brothers it was awesome. This song is catchy but also has a good message and I still find myself telling my children Hakuna Matata when they are stressing over something that can't be fixed.

Gimme that Girl

When I first heard this song I thought wow this is how all men should feel about their women. If I was talented enough to write a song this would be the one.

Hope you take the time to hear the song and read the lyrics on the screen.

Storybook Story

I got in late last night and had to work today hence why my selection is so late but bonus you get two selections tonight.

This song is such a true love song and everytime I hear it I get weepy and dreamy.

I truly wish I had someone to write me love songs. My hubby writes me goofy love notes because thats what he thinks is cute and most of the time I appreciate it but to his credit he found this song and made me a CD of love songs and this is the first song on the CD.

Jack and Diane

I am away this weekend so this is the answer for Day 16 just being posted a day early.

This is another answer that is fictional since I don't go to places that have jukeboxes

This would definately be the song I would pick I love this song.

I Can Only Imagine

The answer for today's prompt is fiction since the shower is the one place that I don't have music of any kind. This is my one on one time with God.

The song I picked is most likely the one I would sing since its so powerful and fits my morning theme. Yes occasionaly I have a ritual, routine or theme.

Mothers heart break

I realized this week that no matter how old our kids get we are always protective of them and our heart will always break when they are in trouble or their heart is breaking.

On Monday my oldest had an appointment that he had to go to and it was an hours drive. Right before we were to leave he had a full blown melt down and there was nothing I could do to soothe him or help. I had to just walk away as my 20 year child was trying to get control of his emotions. This is not an easy thing for him. He has a hard time navigating the world because our world is very different from the one he lives in. I was impressed that he was able to realize how important the meeting was and actually calm down enough to get in the car and go with me. The plus side is that by the time we got there he was able to have a conversation with me and listen to my advice for the next time this happens.

My son's world is black and white and literal. There are no shades and we are all supposed to remember verbatim what we said to him a minute, a day, a week, a month or more ago. Because most of us don't function this way he feels we are lying to him or picking on him. For the most part he holds it together and can function but when our two worlds collide he has a hard time coping.

I'm praying that as he grows and matures this will become less of a struggle for him because he is so smart and has such potential he just doesn't realize it and its so hard to show him and motivate him. It is heartbreaking to watch and unfortunatley when outsiders see this they think he is just disrespectful or a brat and its so hard to explain the situation.

Mambo #5

This song is one of my secret favourites. I can't get enough of it and its one of the few songs that play in my head. Its so far removed from my type of music but I love it for real and I guess its not a secret anymore.

A little bit of Monica in my life, a little bit of Erica by my side
A little bit of Rita is all I need, a little bit of Tina is what I see
A little bit of Sandra in the sun, a little bit of Mary all night long
A little bit of Jessica here I am, a little bit of you makes me your man

Come on I'm sure you also love this song and have been known to here it on the radio and start dancing.

Well in case you haven't guessed the song I have included the video for you to sing and dance along with.

I'd lie for you and thats the truth

This was the song my hubby and I danced to at our wedding and at my cousins wedding a couple of years ago we were suprised to hear it played and of course we had to dance to it.

Not a song anyone would normally consider for a wedding but my hubby picked it and he even attempted to sing to me as we danced to it.

I'd Lie for You by Meatloaf

Here I Go Again

I couldn't swear on a stack of bibles that this was my first slow song but I did have a lot of slow dances to this song in highschool so it would be a pretty good bet that this is the song.

Love this prompt it brought back some awesome highschool memories that I hadn't thought about in it feels like forever.

Look What You've Done

Today's prompt for the music challenge had me stumped because I don't know if there is anyone who would rather forget me and then to pick a song to go along with that I wasn't sure what to do. Then my middle child came downstairs playing this song by Jett and when I listened to the lyrics it was a perfect song for this prompt. Not sure who the person is that doesn't want to remember me but this song sums it all up.

Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

More then a feeling

Today's music challenge is supposed to be a song about someone I'd like to forget and I've been racking my brain and so far I haven't come up with a person or a song. Six months ago this would have been a breeze but I decided this year to look back on my past and those I'd rather forget and instead turn my thinking to the memories and postive things these people brought into my life whether it be a memory or something else.

I decided to put  a twist on this prompt instead of a person I picked an event. This song represents how naive I was to not know how many women my ex was with and that one of them was my close friend. I have move on and have no bitterness but everytime I hear this song that ugly head of anger appears.

Its Old Time Rock N Roll

Still like that old time rock'n' roll

That kind of music just soothes the soul

I reminisce about the days of old

With that old time rock 'n' roll



This songs gets me everytime because yes I'm a Country Music Freak but I still love classic rock and the oldies. How can you not dance to this song regardless of where you are or doing.  Yes even in my office I've been known to dance.

 

I will confess I do dance to almost any and every song but this one is guranteed to get me out on the dance floor.

 

 

Wild in the Streets

When I first heard this song as a teenager I realted to most of the lyrics and played this song over and over again. As I got older this song still stuck with me and gives me happy memories of my teenage and young adult years.

For the last month I have been looking high and low for the CD that contained this song I may know the lyrics by heart but I can't sing at all.

I can tell you the name of the album and what number it is.

A brief glimpse of the lyrics and my favourite part of the song.

A member of the boy's brigade
Had a date with the girl next door
You know it made her daddy crazy
But it only made her want him more
They weren't looking for trouble
You know that boy didn't want a fight - not tonight

What a night

I decided to go visit my family tonight since my hubby is doing work for them. As the night progressed I was excited about my new role as granny and the upcoming shower. I told them that I would get them invites and I was hoping they could come and support my son and his girlfriend.

In the process of the talk my one cousin found out who my son's future mother in law (D)is. I don't like my future mother in law because I have some bad history but I'm trying to get over that for the sake of our future being intertwined. I find out that my sons future mother in law had an affair with my cousins husband up until and including when he was sick in the hospital and dying. I suspected this over the years but never knew for sure and never knew my cousin knew.

Needless to say this part of the family will not be at the shower and will probably not be overly willing to come to my house in fear of saying something. The best part of all of this is that apparantley my cousins husband spent a lot of time at D's house so my future daughter in law knows him well but maybe not the situation.

I feel horrible that my cousin is now reliving this horrible event 11 years later but how was I supposed to know the world was this small.

Invisible Touch

This was the first concert I ever went to and I got to go with my mom who was so cool. She was up there dancing and singing along with all the songs. I couldn't keep up to her.

Thanks for including this prompt. I havent thought of this memory in like forever.


"She seems to have an invisible touch yeah
She reaches in, and grabs right hold of your heart
She seems to have an invisible touch yeah
It takes control and slowly tears you apart."

Music Challenge

When I decided to participate in this music challenge it was to get me disciplined to start blogging more often. Wow what an impact this has had on me and its only been six days. The memories its bringing up and the music I'm listening to. I am so attached to my Itouch that I rarely listen to the radio anymore and I've gotten into a rut with only hearing my music and not the oldies or even new stuff.

Each prompt has me searching my memory bank, hitting You Tube to find videos and then looking for a good radio station. I will be updating my ITouch by the time this is over.

I love it. Thanks to the girls that organized this.

Blackbird by the Beatles

Day 6 - Music Challenge part 2

I remember this moment and probably will for life because it sticks out so clearly. My heart sister and I were away on our annual escape to my dads.  We are sitting in the truck getting ready to go for a Chisholm Carwash (this could be a blog on its own) on the radio comes Blackbird but not the original. My heart sister goes on a rant (nicely) about how she wants the original played at her funeral.

The reason that this sticks out so much is that we normally don't have the radio on for our Chisholm Carwash and that my girl does not normally get so animated about a song. She was in the backseat so this must have been a couple of years ago before she started taking pictures as a hobby.

Shes Every Women

Music Challenge Day 5 - Song that reminds you of someone.

She's Every Women by Garth Brooks

She's sun and rain, she's fire and ice
A little crazy but it's nice
And when she gets mad, you best leave her alone
'Cause she'll rage just like a river
Then she'll beg you to forgive her
Oh, she's every woman that I've ever known.

She's so New York and then L.A.
And every town along the way
And she's every place that I've never been
She's makin love on rainy nights
She's a stroll through Christmas lights
And she's everything I want to do again.

It needs no explanation
'Cause it all makes perfect sense
For when it comes down to temptation
She's on both sides of the fence.

No it needs no explanation
'Cause it all makes perfect sense
When it comes down to temptation
She's on both sides of the fence.

She's anything but typical
She's so unpredictable
Oh but even at her worst she ain't that bad
She's as real as real can be
And she's every fantasy
Lord she's every lover that I've ever had
And she's every lover that I've never had

This song reminds me of an old love his names Dan. At the beginning things were amazing I mean fireworks amazing but alas things did not end on a good note and my heart was broke for a long time.

I came home one night to a message on my machine from Dan. I real apology I think the only one I ever got from him. He said to listen to Shes Every Women by Garth Brooks. This song would explain how he felt about me and he still loved me.  I listened to the song over and over for days. I got the message but we did not get back together. Its been 15 years since I've seen him and I still wonder how he's doing.

I could not listen to this song for the longest time because it just made me remember all the bad but now this song is played on my ITouch regularly and it now brings back good memories of Dan and also reminds me what a wonderful women I am.

A song that makes me sad

When I heard this song it made me cry which never happens. I am one of those people where the glass is always half full. But having lost my mom when I was a young adult this song just tugged at the heart strings and tear ducts.

I danced with my dad to this song when I got married since my mom was not with us and had never even met my hubby. The day I got married my hubby made sure to include my mom in every little way he could and encouraged me to play this song.

Don't judge others

The talk around my house this weekend has been about the officer that died and the kids that killed him.

See my kids and some of my younger friends know the names and reputation of the kids that caused the accident. I got caught up this weekend in the blame and judging game. They did leave a women with no husband, two young children with no father and a community without an officer.

I heard this song today and the message made me realize that we should not judge these youths. We have no idea what they were thinking, what type of home life they have or even if they have role models. From what I've heard about this kids they don't have much of a home life or role models.

A song that makes you happy

This is an old song but every time I hear it I fall in love with it and it just makes me grin. This is from my teens and it brings me back to those days of carefree living and just being in the moment.

A song your know better then to enjoy but love anyway

Well my guilty pleasure and this song gets me everytime and no matter where I am I start shaking my booty. Not all out dancing if I'm in public but close and if I'm alone I feel the need to sing along and a smile comes to my face.

The song is Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus

A song you are supposed to love but don't

I'm doing a 30 day music challenge. Couldn't figure out how to use the prompts so I'm doing it on my own blog.

The song for today would be any and all versions of Life is a Highway. This song plays and it is automatically turned off.

I know its apparantley a great song but I don't like it not one bit.

30 Day Music Challenge

I have signed up for the 30 day music challenge and it has my wheels turning and tons of memories are flooding in. I am even listening to music that I haven't listened to in a long time.

This is going to be a great challenge I'm looking forward to be apart of it but also seeing other peoples answers.

Friendships

I find it funny that there was a time in my life when I didn't need an appointment book to keep my friendships going. There always seemed to be so much time for everyone but as the kids get older and life gets busier I find that my appointment book is a much regarded tool for keeping friendships old and new.

Sometimes its just to remind me to send them a note or sometimes its so we can coodinate our schedules to spend time together. I am a people person so for me my friendships fuel my life and make me a happier wife and mother. I am blessed to have a bountiful of women in my life. Some I learn from, some I cry with and others are my rocks through life.

I do believe that friends are meant to be a reason, season or lifetime. Over the years even the friends that were just a season and it broke my heart when we parted ways I have now been able to step back and relish in the memories made. I do have two women in my life who help me navigate and keep me on track. The first has been with me for over twenty years she is my heart sister our hearts break together but we also heal together and love life. The other one has been in my life for about seven years and we are way past best friends we weave in and out of each others lives. She is the one that makes life fun and celebrates all the big and little things in my life.

I hope that when my time comes to go to heaven that I have left the mark of friendship and helping women gap the bridge between different seasons and ages.

Sudanese Lost Boy Graduates

When I read this article yesterday it made me think of God and how powerful he really is. Not only did this child survive a horrible childhood he has become a man and graduated from University and will take his education and skills back to the Sudan to help the others that have been left behind.
It's such a powerful story. When you have a chance please read this and then reread it with an open heart and mind.
http://www.thestar.com/article/1009619--sudanese-lost-boy-graduates-university

God Chicks by Holly Wagner

I have read this book twice and every time I read it I fall more in love with the book and its themes about how women should live their lives. I found the website and just had to share it.

GodChicks
We think God had great things in mind when He created woman! She is not a second-class citizen or God’s afterthought – she is the very apple of His eye! We believe in the potential that resides within every woman, within every GodChick.

GodChicks is the women's ministry of Oasis Church located in Los Angeles, California. Founded by Philip and Holly Wagner, GodChicks exists...

•to inspire, encourage & challenge women to understand their value
•to help women begin, grow and deepen their relationship with God
•to empower women to make a difference on the planet, and
•to have fun on this journey called life!
GodChicks is all about gathering women together! Life is not meant to be lived alone. We hold quarterly and annual gatherings to inspire and empower women to live life to the fullest.

http://www.godchicks.com/about/

Song that describes me

I was asked the other day via another blog to pick a song that describes me. I named my anthem song but this question got me to thinking then I heard this song and bam its me all rolled into a song.

She's Every Women by Garth Brooks

She's sun and rain, she's fire and ice
A little crazy but it's nice
And when she gets mad, you best leave her alone
'Cause she'll rage just like a river
Then she'll beg you to forgive her
Oh, she's every woman that I've ever known.

She's so New York and then L.A.
And every town along the way
And she's every place that I've never been
She's makin love on rainy nights
She's a stroll through Christmas lights
And she's everything I want to do again.

It needs no explanation
'Cause it all makes perfect sense
For when it comes down to temptation
She's on both sides of the fence.

No it needs no explanation
'Cause it all makes perfect sense
When it comes down to temptation
She's on both sides of the fence.

She's anything but typical
She's so unpredictable
Oh but even at her worst she ain't that bad
She's as real as real can be
And she's every fantasy
Lord she's every lover that I've ever had
And she's every lover that I've never had

Peace and quiet

Wow I can't believe that it is 10:40 at night and I have noone to hang with, noone to drive somewhere it is glorious. Dont get me wrong I love my family and all that comes with it but somehow this week I have been given a rare gift of peace and quiet.

My hubby is out of town, my big kids are busy doing their own thing so I get to sit back and relax once the youngest goes to bed. I am loving all this time to blog, read and just do my own thing.

I do miss my hubby but it is so nice not to have to rush home to get supper on the table or to have to drive someone so that my youngest and I are getting to have a ton of fun time together. The house well it is also being ignored this week and i don't care.

I am taking full opportunity of this gift and using it to the best of my abilities to have fun and relax. Next week will be here soon enough and I will have to be back to being an adult and responsible.

Open Door Policy

I have always had an open door policy in my home for my friends,family and my kids friends. To me this was just a natural thing to do. The other day my neighbour asked how I can handle the chaos of never knowing how many people will be in my home. I had never that about it that way.

I have been pondering this question all week and tonight I realized that my open door policy is one of my gifts from God. I am blessed with this gift and the ability to willingly use this gift. I know who my kids friends are which says a lot since the older boys are 19 and 20. I am able to relate to their friends because I do have my own friends who are their age.

With this policy I have had many friends that were just there for a season because they needed help during a rough time but I have also made many lifetime friends from this policy because they know they always have a place to turn to during the good and bad.

I have celebrated, cried, danced, laughed and made more memories this way then most people will ever have the opportunity to. As my girlfriend says I am the keeper of lost souls. I am so glad that the lord gave me this gift and that I have been able to use it to the best of my ability.

When a soul shows up at my door with bags packed because life at home is just unbearable at that moment my heart breaks for them and then swells with comfort that no phone call required they just come. I have had family, friends, my friends children and even some people I barely knew use this policy and each of them says thank you for making me never have to ask to come but just being able to show up.

The other night I met a women for the first time and I had been too tired to clean or even pull together a half decent meal but she said to me that this was the best place she had been in awhile. I had to ask what she meant and her reply filled my heart. She said that instead of worrying about my house or the meal I had worried more about getting to know her and spend time visiting.

We all need to remember to make time for the people in our lives not just the stuff or our to do lists. We never know what that person needs but maybe just sitting and listening is the best gift we can give

Life is crazy

Well I have been on a rollercoaster again but this time its been a good rollercoaster.

We went from my hubby having no job prospects to him having one job interview, another one booked and he became a home inspector. The home inspector job is cool because he can do this part time even when he gets a full time job. We may get out of debt in this decade.

I have had many opportunities this week to spend with all of my children some good, some bad and some not so sure.

My middle child bought a new bbq and he spent Sunday and Monday assembling it then cooked an amazing steak supper on Tuesday. He is growing and maturing but still not sure where he wants to go. He needs a purpose so I hope he finds one soon.

My oldest came to me and admitted that he once again made a bad decision I'm not sure what this means but he is going to try and fix it himself. It is so frustrating for me because I see such potential in him where he sees none. He is on a destructive path and as a mother its so hard to have to sit back and let him hit rock bottom. I go from feeling like what the hell did I do wrong to just having my heart break for him

I spent time with my oldest son's girlfriend its been amazing to watch her mature and really try to help out more around the house and just be part of the family.

My little one has his own social circle so it is not so easy to spend time with him these days but it is nice when he comes and just gives me a snuggle or kiss.

God speaks

I was stuck in a major traffic jam this morning and the lord took this opportunity to speak to me about my boredom/restlessness.

I finally came to the realization that like a good garden that is tended with love and care I also have to take care of my life. If I'm bored or restless with my life or my husband then its my job to figure out why and fix it. At first I was like hey lord remember you didn't want me to jump through hoops to make everyone happy and he "bonked" me on the head. I can still shake things up without jumping through hoops. I have to get back to being the true me and then find some challenges in life and tackle them.

Being a wife, mother, friend, daughter, niece all of these things make up the best part of me but the absolute best part is how strong and honest I am. With these wonderful wisdoms from the lord I am going to shake things up at home in a good and positive way.

I also refuse to let this slump I'm in to get the upper hand so its getting a boot and I'm going to start enjoying life and be less busy. I so love this blog and thank my heart sister everytime I use my blog to vent or sort out life.

Marriage woes

I do love my husband and I'm glad that I fought like hell to keep us together but now that we are settled into the new routine I must admit although quietly that I'm not sure what we have in common any more.

I gave up TV so I would have time to do other things and I've tried including him but his not interested he wants to watch his shows. I figure hey we have weekends but no were both so busy.

I'm hoping that this is just because we've had no alone time to talk and just hang out in awhile because I don't want to be that women that just isn't happy with all she has and needs to see whats on the other side of the fence.

Yeah he doesn't do the dishes or housework but he spends time with the youngest and lets me come and go as I please on weekends. He thinks the sun rises and sets on my head so I should be happy.

I watch the other fathers play ball with their kids and then it hits me what I'm not happy about is that he's not fun. His world is about learning and being serious. He can't just go to the park to play or just go to the movies to hang out. I'm not sure when this starting out weighing his good qualites but I'm bored and want to have fun.

I know in my heart that we are in a funk because life has handed us some nasty curve balls lately and we barely survived but my head doesnt want to listen to reason it just wants to run away and have fun.

I guess this is the part of being an adult I always feared the growing up and being responsible.

New adventures

I have decided to try my hand at a small home business. We need the extra income and I love the product I'm selling. Now I have to face that demon the one I hate to admit exists the lack of self discipline. I so just want to go read my book tonight but instead I was getting my kit together for my first show tomorrow night.

This new me is tough and wonderful but still has that demon of no self discipline and yes I'm lazy when I have the chance to be. I am trying out this new adventure and although yes some extra money would be great it will also be nice to be able to make me a priority and my hubby will have to accomadate me for a change

Fear is powerful and sneaks in

I haven't been blogging because I've been soul searching and trying to find the women I was a few years ago. The women who didn't make decisions based on doubt or fear, the women who didn't jump through hoops to keep her family happy and balanced.

I'm not sure when or how the fear crept in but all of a sudden I didn't want to say no to anyone and was bending over backwards to keep everyone happy.

My husband loosing his job twice in less then 12 months has had one benefit and that is that I've had to learn how to stand my ground again and say no I'm not going to jump through hoops to fix things. I've also learned that telling my older kids no is not going to ruin them hell it might make them better people.

I had my semi-annual run away with my heart sister this past weekend and I had the first test of the new me. My hubby had a crisis at home with the older children. The old me would've put my visit on hold well I dealt with home and figured something out but instead I texted my husband the kids cell numbers and told him to deal with them direct. What a powerful feeling it was that I stood my ground. The stress is reduced and even with money being tight I can relax and know that all will work out.

I have learned that my marriage is worth fighting for but that doesn't mean that I always give in or jump through hoops. I've also learned that if my kids get pissed off at the new me thats ok because this "new" me is actually the true me and I just lost this part of myself briefly.

I'm so happy to be back and I'm sure I'll be sharing stories about the last little while with everyone in the next little while.

Excitment for one night

Our snowblower decided to have a gas leak tonight and the smell leaked into our house. So we had the fire department come out. Our neighbours came out to see if we needed anything which I thought was great. My one neighbour even took in my youngest for the night. I had a crap ass day but this made me realize how lucky I am. I have a house and a neighbourghood with people that really do care. Thank you lord for the reminder

Running away

Today is the first time ever that I sat in my car in the driveway wondering how hard it would be to drive away and never look back. I did not leave but the thought was there. I love my family but lately I just feel like they all want too much of me and I'm losing who I am. My husband is terribly depressed over not working, my youngest has been sick for it seems like a million years, my middle one is trying to find his way to manhood and needs guidance, my olderst childs girlfriend is pregnant and she needs guidance, love and support and that leaves my oldest he just needs me in a general purpose. Of course on top of this is my job and my house that both require my attention. I have never questioned my being a wife and mother but today for the briefest of moments I just wanted to put the car and drive until I found something that didn't require my attention. I am glad this was a brief moment but boy oh boy I need the Good Lords wings and support to get through this period in my life.

How lives are intertwined

I just ready my heart sisters blog about an accident that happened twenty years ago. I never realized until today that she also knew the girl that died. It is amazing how intertwined our lives really are and have been for years before we realized it. I think we made God's sould hurt at how many times we had to cross pathes before we got the message that we are meant to be friends for life. I am so blessed that we are friends and will be for life. This last little while has been crazy and thankfully she has been there to help me through it all.

Two weekends from hell

Well I know my husband well enough after 11 years that it shouldn't upset me when his depression gets ahold of him but these past two weekends has been hell. I don't know how couples go through months or years of this. Last weekened we were to go see Toy Story 3 on Ice as a family and he bailed at the last minute because his mood was too bad to cope. We had a great time but still I would love to have him there with us. This weekend he starts talking about what life is going to be like when I leave him or when he leaves. I know in my head that this is just the depression but in my heart it hurts like hell. I want to be the good and supportive wife but I had enough last night because this is not the first time in our marriage he has brought this up. I told him if he felt he had to leave there was the door and I would figure everything out. I so desperatley wanted him to hold me and tell me that he was just venting. Instead he got up and told me to give him time and space to process this information. I know that once he has a job and feels secure and that he is supporting us things will get better but I don't know how I am supposed to put up with this for the next three to six months. Right now I can't share good or bad news with him and I hate the fact that we can't spend time together. I had an awesome night planned for Friday night but he never showed up because he got distratcted, Saturday the same thing. Thankfully I have this blog to vent through

Lifes a rollercoaster

Well I haven't written for awhile because life has been happening at warp speed and I was trying to digest all the action so I could put it into words. This is my attempt.

My husband lost his job again and since he makes the lionshare of our income this makes it hard to manage financially. As I have stated before he also suffers from depression so this also gets added to the mix. I am constantly reminding him that it has only been a short time and he will find something but he is so discouraged that its making it hard for me to stay positive.

Our youngest has been sick for about a month with a respitory infection nothing serious but he does not like being sick and has become a mamas boy which I loved for the first week but now I would like some space to just sit and be by myself.

Then yesterday I found out that my oldest and his girlfriend are pregnant. They are 20 and he has his education and two jobs but she has very little education and very few job skills so I worry how they will handle this challenge. I was 18 when I had my oldest and I was able to raise him and his brothers but it was a struggle. I have to just remember that they have to make their own choices and be responsible for this new little one.

I think I would like off of this rollercoaster and go find the swan ride.

Many hats one day

Today I learned what it meant to be many things. This is one of those days where life lessons were taught, given and learned. What an amazing day it was.

I was a superhero to my youngest child because I was able to find a swimsuit so we could go swimming.

I was a cool aunt because I went when my girlfriends daughter called. All she wanted was someone to watch her favourite show with her and her mom was sick. I stayed and watched her show with her. I was sure to tell her before I left that I was glad she called and that this is what family and friends do. This was a neat experience for me because I am an Aunt by choice not blood.

I learned that being a heart sister means that no matter who else is in your life they are the ones that will be there at your brightest and darkest hour. I also learned that when I choose not to call in my darkest hour feelings can be hurt but forgivness is also quick to be given.

I got to be a good wife to my hubby tonight when I told our oldest that he would have to find a ride for his girlfriend because my hubby was too sick to go out. My hubby would've gone had I asked but he really appreciated not having to go.

I also learned what it means to be a true cousin. This is the most interesting to me. My cousin Tasha is getting married and is being given some grief over the fact that kids are not invited. I for one totally agree with her. We have a cousin who has said he will not be at the wedding because his youngest will be too little to be left with a sitter. Her wedding is in August. This weekend on FB we find out that he left his little one for the night with a sitter so him and his wife could go out. Tasha was very hurt over this and I totally get where she is coming from. So I told her I have her back sent her a virtual hug and him a virtual kick in the butt (we live too far from each other for them to be real). The interesting part is the cousin I gave the kick in the butt to used to have no faults in my eyes but I am learing that he is not perfect and that Tasha needs all the love and support she can get.

What a crazy but educational day. These are lessons I will keep and pass on.

Amazing new artist

I listened to this great CD last night(Little Smile). This woman is amazing her lyrics are very simple and so true for girls/women of all ages.

The best part is she is Canadian and so down to earth.

I have had the privlege of seeing her perform and she is so powerful.

http://jodiking.com/video.php

Take the time to check out this video it is so powerful.

Living with mental illness

I was equipped when I got married or so I thought. We took the marriage classes and they talked but all the relevant topics again so I thought. What they don't ask is do either of you have a mental illness (mild or not). This should be a required question and if the answer is yes they should give you coping skills.

You see I live with a great man when his moods are balanced. When his moods are not balanced things are not quite so great. He can hold it together at work and with our youngest but the rest of us are not spared. Now he doesn't get violent or nasty but he gets real quiet, very impatient and the littlest comment can start him on a tirade about how unfair his life is.

I have been with him for 13 years so I have learned how to handle the swings but there are weeks like this week that I just want to throw in the towel and have the husband that doesn't have to battle this monster but then I remember all the good things and remember that this is just a small piece of who he is.

It is very tiring emotionally and physically. I have learned to just let things slide when he is on a downswing but there are times that I think this is not fair I can't share the good or bad with him during this period. I am so glad that I have this blog so I can vent and it so helps with coping.

I am glad that he is my husband and I know we have a rock solid marriage but there are days that make it hard because mental illness is not talked about so there is nowhere to turn to get support when needed.

Thanks for letting me vent and put things in perspective

Unplugged continued

I am still mostly unplugged (would love to figure out what word to use). So far I have stopped watching almost all of my shows, I actually turned off the ringtone on my phone for my FB updates so now I actually only check FB a few times a day.

I am still amazed at how refreshing this all is. I have friends that did this years ago and told me how rewarding it would be but I was not so sold or ready to give up my shows or FB.

I am still a fan of FB it is a great way to be in touch with my friends and family but now I have a life outside of FB.

My hubby and I have actually found other things to do instead of watching hours of television every week. Now when we do watch tv or a movie we enjoy it. It no longer feels like a dreaded homework assignment. Yes that is what it was starting to feel like. I was a clock watcher because I had to get everything done so I could cram in my shows. No wonder I wasn't sleeping very well.

I am enjoying be able to sit down and read a book or just flip through the channels to find a fluff show if I choose.

Looking forward to where this path will continue taking me.

Old friends and good times

I went out Saturday night with friends old and new. What a blast it was to get caught up each other's lives it was like it hadn't been 20 years since we were all together.

The one guy that showed up was the class bully as my memory had led me to believe all this time but as the night went on and stories were shared it was revealed that he was not so bad after all so all is forgiven.

Then my girl Kit Kat her hubby and brother showed up. Well I forgot what a crush I used to have on her brother and I am happily married and would never cheat but damn that boy is still hot. Well as alchol began to pour stories began to be told and one particular story that was shared I had figured I would never have to relive that story or moment again. My girl was shocked that after all these years she had no idea that her cousin and I had hooked up in high school I had actually totally forgotten as well but that skeleton is now out of my closet.

As I stood listening and looking around the table I was amazed at how many of these people were just as gorgeous/sexy or even better then they were in grade/high school.
And yet I don't recall there ever being a popular group or jealousy amongst us girls. So I have realized that I was blessed to have known these people and it would be great if we all keep in touch.

Heart breaks and heals

I have been helping a very close friend for the last little while deal with her marriage issues and I am still surprised at all the things I am finding out about the life she has been living. I am so glad she has found the strength to finally stand her ground and demand love and respect.

I do hope that it is not too late for them to work things out but I am finding it harder and harder to believe that at the end of this road they are going down that they will be together. I watched her completley crumble and also her oldest child.

It breaks my heart to watch a family fall apart like this and not to see any good coming from it. I don't agree with just throwing your marriage away but I do believe that there are times when it is the best solution and I am starting to think that this is the best for them.

I was shocked to find out that out of the people that know everything there are only two of us supporting her and everyone else figures she should just put on a happy face and enjoy the comfortable life she has. Well I am sorry but money and a nice house does not replace love, respect and partnership.

Last time I checked it is almost impossible to have a good marriage without love, respect and partnership. I have to come to realize how truly blessed I really am in my life. Yeah my hubby drives me crazy but I know that he loves and respects me. I have also realized that I so made the right choice by leaving my older boys father all those years ago.

I am so glad that I have my blog to be able to vent and put this stuff out there. Writing is such a good therapy for me right now dealing with all of this. You see I tend to hurt when my friends hurt and it is not healthy to keep everything in.

Unplugged for 2011 and maybe life

Not sure where this vision of unplugged will take me but I have decided that having my phone attached to my hip 24/7 is crazy. Yes I do need to leave it on all the time because it is the number my kids and some friends call me on but I do not need to answer every text or FB update when they come in. When I have company it will be refreshing to only have to answer my phone or texts when it is required.

I have decided to cut my tv time down to almost zero shows. My hubby has been busy lately and since we watch all of our shows together I had all last week to do other things and I loved it and didn't even miss my shows.

I will have more time for my blog, reading and actually watching a movie that I got for Christmas.

So I guess unplugged may not be the right word but it is the best I could come up with. We will see where this journey takes me.

Life is a rollercoaster

Wow my life has been on a rollercoaster ride lately some good, some strange and some I'm not so sure about.

First I found out that one of my very dear friends is going through a horrible time in her marriage and she is sharing with me and her hubby is sharing with my hubby but of course my hubby and I can't share with each other. I'm not sure where this path will take them or us but I'm always amazed at how quick someone's world can be turned upside down.

Second my middle child announces that he is taking serious steps to join the military. I am all for him doing this but this has come out of nowhere as far as I can tell but this will be a very interesting path to walk with him regardless of whether he decides to join or not.

My BFF and I have seemed to find some common ground again and although things are very different they are good and I am just learning to embrace the change and grow with it.

I have been diagnosed with B12 Deficiency which is manageable but a pain to deal with. I hate schedules and routines but will have to learn to embrace these things to learn to cope with this diagnosis.

My hubby and I who do not normally communicate very well have all of a sudden learned how to navigate the world of communicating face to face and not just via E-Mail when we are having an argument.

I am sure there has been more but this pretty much brings me up to date. The best news is that I now have my own computer so I should be able to blog more often.

Battle on the homefront

Well Christmas went off without a hitch which in this house is a miracle. Then New Year's eve also went amazingly well so I got a little comfortable with the no drama and no one fighting in my house well last night it all started again.

My husband made an offhanded comment that to the average person would not be a big deal but to my lovely 19 year old it somehow meant that after six months of working his butt off to show how much he has done it is still not good enough. I figured that since he didn't storm out last night he might be open to an apology and discussion from my hubby but alas that is not the case. They are now both refusing to talk to the other and my hubby has gone so far as he does not want me to drive our son anywhere and does not want me to either. He wants me to pick his side.

This will blow over eventually as it always does but in two weeks we are all supposed to go to Monster Trucks so that should be interesting and this weekend the two of them are supposed to go and get tattoos together.

I feel like sticking them in a locked room and the one that emerges is the winner I figure they will either kill each other or learn to talk. This does not make an easy house. We always have to balance everything just perfectly in this house since I have three very emotionally volatile people as once this balance is upset it normally becomes a free forall. Hopefully not this time.

My oldest is mad at me because I had the odacity to make plans tonight and not check with him so now he does not have a vehichle. This is partly my fault because I do forget as he gets older that he still needs routine and nothing to change and for the last two weeks he has had my car at his whim.

Hopefully when everyone gets home tonight peace will find a way to restore itself. Of course I am like a mama bear when it comes to my children so that does not bode well for my hubby.