Memories are bittersweet

Had an awesome day visiting with my aunt today. I had the day off work so my youngest and I went off to my aunts for the day. It was a perfect relaxing visit and it reminded me of so many days long ago when life was not busy and I would spend hours with my aunt listening to her tales and advice.

As I sat there today listening to her stories while she painted my nails an awesome shade of blue I started to think about how if my mother was still alive this would have been her kind of perfect afternoon. Relaxing telling stories and tons of laughter. I also started to remember many lazy summer afternoons spent with my uncle many years ago before he passed.

As I said the memories are bittersweet they are great memories but the reminder that loved ones are long gone to never come again is very heartbreaking. I also realized as I watched my aunt today that my youngest will never get to have lazy summers with my mom or uncle they way I used to and the lessons that were learned.

My uncle truly believed that I was a princess and therefore should have the best. I remember shopping with him and picking up a pair of jeans that were identical to a pair I had seen earlier but these ones were cheaper. He refused to let me buy them I had to have the first pair simply because they were more expensive and I deserved them. He always took pride anytime he took me anywhere with him. It broke my heart in so many pieces that day that we lost him I was three months pregnant with my oldest and could not believe that he would not be here to welcome this new angel into the world. I was also a teenage mother and have always believed and always will that the news that I was pregnant broke his heart and caused him to have a heart attack. This is not news I share with many people but it is the way I feel and always will. He has come back many times over the years to reassure me that this is not the case (remember I believe in ghosts) but my heart has never healed.

My mother was blessed to welcome my two oldest angels into this world and they were here world.She would beam and she told people about her grandbabies.We lost her right before Christmas almost seventeen years ago. I remember I was christmas shopping and had this urge that I had to get home I wasn't even in the door 5 minutes when the call came that we had lost my mother. From her death I gained strength I didn't know that I had or needed. Her death gave me courage to leave my boy's father and this was a long time coming I just needed encouragement. I look back now on all the lost times we should have had together had I left my ex earlier. I also still want to call her on a daily basis. She has come back many times over the years sometimes for comfort, sometimes for strength and mostly to kick my butt.

I wish that all my children would have had the chance to get to know these awesome people and have amazing memories like I do. I also often wonder if my youngest will get to spend summers with my aunt the way I and his brothers did. She is getting older and although she is still healthy and active it is alot to handle an active little one.